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Another surprise!

I am STILL pregnant!  I totally (and clearly inaccurately) thought that if Baby #1 was early, Baby #2 would be early too.  I do not know why I had that impression, but I thought FOR SURE we would have a new baby by now…NOPE….NOT…YET!  My due date is technically on Sunday, but this pregnancy has been so different from the get go (not surprising) and certainly for the last 3 weeks, I have been convinced that the baby is ready to rock and roll right out of there!!

Additionally, over the last several weeks, I have been dilating one centimeter a week (I am at about 4 now) and the first time I did this labor and delivery thing, there was no dilation at all even by the time I got to the hospital well on my way to meeting Baby #1…so I really thought that this baby would just be falling out (ok, a little graphic but true!)!

I love having the extra and unexpected time with LadyBug because she is totally the light of our lives right now…but I cannot do all the things that she wants to do because they all involve significant physical and energetic activity (she is quite good in that department).  She wants me to carry her all the time and she wants me to lay on the floor while she jumps on me and she wants to tackle me (yes, her Papa is responsible for that one)…and some of those things are HARD to do, even un-pregnant!  Regardless, the extra time and hours and cuddles and kisses with her is totally a joy.

I am still going to work everyday because I do not want to use up my sick/vacation time and the more I stay put here, the more time I will have post delivery…but it is difficult to think about starting new projects and getting involved with anything because I feel like a ticking time bomb.

working

It is amazing how much there always is to do, how easy it is to forget to stop and smell the proverbial roses…how life flies by in an instant before you know it…how did my baby already turn into a toddler?  How did she learn how to do that [fill in the blank]….how did it get to be April already…it is a never ending stream of Oh My?! How did we get here, I didn’t even notice it was happening…so no.  I am not trying to rush this baby out – I really am not.  I want to spend every available and appropriate moment with LadyBug – I want to remind her that she has nothing to worry about – that even with transition we are still here for her.  No, I am not trying to take away a minute from what is no-doubt going to be a few weeks (months or years) of crazy – depending on what this new little bundle is like…

But – the fact that this baby is not yet here, the fact that I was SURE that it would share a birthday with my mother-in-law (today), the fact that other than the obvious, there is no real sign that labor is imminent….there are ALWAYS surprises and this is the most recent one (oh yeah and the one where LadyBug screamed at the top of her lungs for almost 2 hours last night…and DAMN she knows a lot of heart-wrenching sentences!!) – other than that one.  I am just going to remain surprised and in awe of all that we still cannot control.

I will keep you posted on Baby #2, I will keep you posted on what happens next – surprises and all…but right now, I am going to go take a walk.

 

Last night I thought I was in labor and all I wanted to do was write you a letter so that you know how much I love you today and every day

Dearest LadyBug -

It is hard to believe that you have been a part of our lives for 21 months.  Almost 2 years.  Today is Papa and my 2 year wedding anniversary, so we beat you by only a few months.  You have essentially been with us the whole way.  We (and I) could not be luckier.

You are kind, you are talkative, you are funny, you are a ball of energy, you are spirited and you are independent.  You also are very attached to your mama (right now) and you know what you like (and more importantly what you don’t).  I love how you practice things over and over again until you really figure them out.  I love your seemingly limitless vocabulary and the words that you surprise me with everyday that I had no idea you already knew.  I love your big mouthful of teeth and your desire to take medicine (crazy kid) and I love your messy hair that you will absolutely not let me push out of your face with a clip.  It is SO messy!

I love that you want to read 8 books before bed and that you want 15 books in the crib with you.  I love that you call for me and papa in the morning and that you let us know everything that we need to know about the day ahead (whether the workers are outside, whether there are bugs that need to be “managed”, whether you have a diaper that needs to be changed), etc.

I love that you want to pick out your shoes but do not care much (yet) about your clothes. I love that you are always full of surprises like when last night you said, “Sleep Mama’s room”, when you have NEVER slept in our bed…not one day in your precious and precocious little life…where did you come up with that?  I hate that you do not want to change your clothes or your diaper most of the time because it does lead to unnecessary fights, but I do love that you know what you want…and I have a hard time finding fault in you sticking to your toddler guns.

001I don’t exactly know why sleep has been so hard lately (like for several months), but lets work on that, okay – we have a new baby coming to town and I am not sure I can handle 2 kids that are not sleeping so try to find it in you to stay asleep so that you can grow big and strong!

I love (and hate) that these days you will not take a bath unless I take it with you (especially seeing as I am 39+ weeks pregnant – there is hardly room in the tub for me, forget about both of us!).  I love that you love being outside.  You even wanted to be outside in the crazy-pouring rain this morning at 7:00 am with your lawnmower, and you were.  I love that all of a sudden you want me to rock you before we go to sleep at night, like an animal who knows that bad weather is coming and is looking for protection, though in this case the bad weather is the little brother or sister that is going to make his or her appearance any day.

I love that you are currently addicted to watching videos of yourself on my phone (nope – we never had that option when we were kids) and most of the time I love that you are stubborn, even when it drives me crazy.  I love that you are social but that you always check in with me and Papa but honestly, I don’t understand why you gravitate toward the mean-girl at your gym class (I did not know that girls could already have mean streaks before 2).  I love that you are patient and compassionate and that you always walk over to other children when they are crying just to check out the situation and see if you can help.

I love that you love to try new foods and that you love to dance more than just about anything in the world.  Honestly, I am not sure how our home and our hearts are going to have room for your new sibling, but something tells me, that you will help us learn how to love the new baby by seeing him or her through your eyes.

I love that you are the child who introduced me to life as a parent.  You have certainly not always been easy, but you have been all that I could have dreamed of.  I know that there is still so much to come and I cannot wait to watch you grow and blossom and learn to love your sister or brother.

Yes, LadyBug, I am a little scared of what the next 6 months is going to bring for all of us, for our little family of 3.  I am a little nervous about how I am going to have enough time to prioritize all of the things that need to be prioritized within a growing family, but forever and ever…even on the hard days….I want you to remember that I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.  Papa and I love you so very much and you have made us into the people that we are today.  No, we have not forgotten a time before there was a you, not yet…but we are so glad that you showed up in our lives and in our family.  We are far better for it.

I know that there are only going to be a few more days (or hours) that we are going to be a family of three and that you are going to be an only child.  If you ever wonder, I do remember what it was like when there was only you in our little home.  I do think that you will love having a sibling and I cannot wait to see you together, and I do promise that you and I will have time together – because that time will continue to be crucial to all aspects of our future relationship.

Thank you for the beauty that you bring to this world.  Thank you for your adorable nose and your infectious laugh and thank you for tucking your arms under mine in the middle of the night when you want me to rock you because I know in that moment that you are happy and safe.  Please know – that no matter what…no matter what kind of energy and attention #2 needs… I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU.  I LOVE YOU.

Always and Always and Always.

Mama

As I embark on the next phase of parenting (as in welcoming #2 to the fold)

…Which I suspect will happen any day (or hour now).  Here is a list of some of the real things that have occurred to me during pregnancy #2 that were TOTALLY and completely not even a tiny bit part of my world during pregnancy #1.

  • Pregnancy clothes do not fit the same way the second time (which is a little hard on the psyche)
  • People who you lent maternity clothes to have already given them away to OTHER people without asking you if you needed/wanted them back – even the expensive ones
  • Cheap maternity clothes really are cheap
  • People you lent baby stuff too ALSO have decided to give it away to other people without asking you if you want any of it back – REALLY??!^$*&
  • Work doesn’t want to know anything about the second maternity leave, except when you are coming back (and they are really not allowed to ask that)
  • Almost no one asks you how you are doing the second time around…mostly that is okay, but sometimes it is a little weird
  • Even if your body is NOT remarkably bigger, it FEELS remarkably bigger
  • Toddlers do not give a damn if you are sick, tired, achy, grumpy, depressed, in pain, pregnant…they really don’t
  • Pregnancy is a lot harder when there is a toddler who runs…all. the. time.
  • Not lifting things is really NOT an option
  • There are even more things to be worried about (if that is even slightly rational)
  • All of the symptoms seem to be more dramatic…what ever they happen to be
  • The time flies even faster than the first time
  • You think that you remember what it is like and then you realize – you totally don’t
  • Being alone virtually never happens
  • Clingyness takes on a whole new meaning when you have someone growing on the inside and hanging onto you on the outside
  • You realize why the second kid in your family never had any photo albums
  • Everything centers on LOGISTICS
  • I really really (really) like sleep
  • Figuring out what to do with the toddler when you go into labor is far more important than any aspect of the labor itself (it’s just like riding a bike, right?)
  • All natural anything is less important as long as everyone is healthy

To all of you out there who are my unsung heroes because you have multiple children and you are doing it with grace and humor and realism and all the other things that you need to make it through – thank you.  I look to you daily for inspiration.  I keep thinking that eventually this will feel like old hat…right now it just feels like major fear and anticipation.  I look forward to sharing the real stories with you as I move forward in my parenting journey.

Happy Blogiversary To Me!!

Surprise – Surprise Mama is ONE year old! This is an exciting anniversary for me in light of the fact that being part of this amazing blogging community has been truly amazing.  It has not only helped me learn so much about myself and the unique and surprise aspects of all things parenting, but it has also helped me to manage my (parenting and life) anxieties, learn from my mistakes, laugh at my shortcomings and make connections with people who are so similar to me.

It has also made me realize that within the year since starting this blog…I am STILL surprised every day.  Most days I find myself saying…”no one ever tells you about this part of parenting…”.  Last night was a perfect example. LadyBug woke up at 1:00 am screaming – maybe she had a bad dream…maybe she just wanted to spend time with mama and papa…maybe she is just like a dog who knows that bad weather is coming (the impending birth of a sibling), but what ever it is/was…we went in to her room (probably the first mistake), we tried to calm her down (second mistake), and Pap ended up taking her downstairs and sleeping with her on the couch (likely third mistake) so that mama could get some sleep.

The craziest thing is that she has never (in all the days of her existence), slept any where other than her bed at night so I was shocked that she was able/willing to sleep with papa.  I know that she would have never done that with me.  During the screaming and the crying – I could not help but wonder what it would be like 20 months from now when the new baby is up screaming at the top of his or her lungs waking up LadyBug and subsequently causing a likely riot in the house.  I guess in order to stay sane, you just cannot think about that stuff.  It is way too impossible to control.

I know that I have had a pretty easy go of parenting thus far, but it is amazing to me how surprising it all is.  Each day feels like a marathon and a sprint.  Each new experience feels like a challenge and a celebration.  I wonder if other parents just do not think as much about what they are doing and just experience it in the moment – I think I might be better off for a little more of that.  I guess one of the things that surprises me the most is how much I am figuring stuff out Every, Single. Day.

I guess you get to a point in your life where you are mostly doing things by rote – you have a schedule, you have friends and activities and hobbies.  Certainly one of the highlights of life is new (especially pleasurable) experiences, but that is not something that you are navigating on a daily basis.  With parenting, however, I feel like I am navigating some sort of new path every single day.  Whether it is the “I dont’ want to get dressed path or the I all of a sudden hate every food put in front of me path or the I will only let Mama pick me up/read me a book/wash may hands/put me to bed path.  The most recent new path was that all of a sudden we hate bath time.  So, at nine+ months pregnant, I am getting in the bathtub with LadyBug every time she needs a bath so that at least we can get her clean…yes – if you are imagining Fat Guy in a Little Coat, you have the right idea.

fat guy in a little coat

Every day is a surprise.  Every day is a blessing.  Every day is a joy.  Whether it is a small wonder or a huge blow out – I am excited that I have this community to share it with!  So, happy Blogaversary to me.  Thanks to all of you who have read and followed the things that I have to say.  All of you continue to be my inspriations.  I hope that over the next few months (as #2 shows up and starts his or her life) – I will be able to share as much about the newest surprises as I can.  I know that the adventures are only going to mount!!

 

Thanks again!

happy birthday

 

Every day is an adventure

spring flowers 2March was a bad blog posting month.  I did not think that it could get worse than it was in August, but in actuality – it got worse.  There are no good reasons but it is hard to believe that today is already April 1st.  This is the month that Baby #2 will show up!!  ACK!  How did that happen so fast!?  I suspect that the next few weeks are going to be equally as crazy as March someone became.

All that being said, I am just reflecting here…almost one year after starting this blog that every day is an adventure, and I am still a surprised mama on a daily basis.  Being a person, being a parent, being a woman, being a working mom…it doesn’t matter the adjective(s) that I use to describe myself, each day is an adventure. It is important to always take stock in what we are thankful for.  I am currently thankful for sleep, which I know is about to become a rarity.  I am thankful for my amazing husband who has given me a happier life, everyday than I could have even imagined.  I am thankful for my beautiful Ladybug who is about to have her life turned upside-down and I hope that I am patient enough to handle it.  I am thankful for our health and the health of our families.  I am thankful for every member of our families even when they drive me totally crazy.  I am thankful that I have a job even though it is not the job of my dreams.

I am thankful that even on my hardest day, things really are not that hard in the grand scheme of things.  I am thankful that I have had really, really terrible days in this life so that I can see the beauty and the blessing in the good days.  I am thankful for good meals and good genes and I am thankful for the amazing friends that I know are out there.  I am thankful that some flowers are starting to push out of the ground after this crazy winter and I am thankful that pregnancy only lasts nine months.  Additionally, I am thankful for junk food and bad TV and I am so, so thankful for love.

Everyday over the next three months is bound to bring even more crazy adventures than I can even imagine, and I certainly hope that I will have a little “down” time to share them here, but in the short-term, I just want to address the fact that I am thankful that I took to this platform to share a little bit about us and our lives.  It gives me a sense of peace to know that I am writing down my memories in a way that LadyBug and Baby #2 will be able to learn more about their lives as they get older.

Bad things happen every day.  Many of them will never touch us.  Some of them will.  Despite our fears and our attempts, most of the bad things that happen are out of our control.  I am thankful, so very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to have this beautiful, sometimes stressful, sometimes challenging and always surprising life.  Happy Spring.  Happy April.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

March as been a doozy…lots of colds and fevers and expectations and molars erupting.  There has been allergies and snow storms and separation anxiety.  All in all,  I do not know where the time has gone.  There are about 22 more days until Baby #2′s due date and I am actually hoping that he or she will be a little bit late, just so that I have a few more days of the life I know before I step off the cliff into a whole new world.

To say that I am freaked out about being a parent of 2 is actually an understatement.  I know (logically) that it will just happen.  It will be a one day at a time kind of thing. No matter what the circumstances. Millions and billions of people before me have done it and have managed and yet, somehow I feel like there is a time limit on my sanity and I feel it ticking away.

I absolutely love my daughter.  My 20 month old LadyBug is the light of my life. I do not have close to enough time in the day for her – how will I add a second one?  How can I possibly give them each enough love? I cannot quite conceptualize how my heart and head and home will make room for Baby #2.  I cannot quite understand how my amazing husband and I will ever have any time together again, whether it be to watch Scandal or take a nap or go for a quiet walk in the woods.  I know, I know…it will happen.  People have kids every 37.5 seconds and there is no reason to think that my world is going to turn upside down forever…I hope that is true.

I hope beyond hope that this baby is happy and healthy (please God, please make this baby healthy), and please, over time help this baby become as independent and curious and funny and capable as his or her older sister. I hope that this baby brings me and Papa and LadyBug more pleasure than we could ever imagine (over time).  Lets hope that it likes to sleep (eventually) and that the childhood diseases stay away and the teething is not as bad (hopefully) this second time around.

For the amount that our little family has been sick and tired in 2014…I hope for the next few months of health and no chaos and peace (hahaha).  I hope that LadyBug will adjust with aplomb and that she will love and cherish her sibling as much as possible.  I know that there will be jealousy and fights (I am not Pollyanna) but I hope that for the most part…LadyBug wants to be helpful and loving with the baby instead of all the other things that she could be.

I am already longing for sleep-ful nights and for family vacations and kids going to the bathroom alone…that are well on my horizon….not in my imminent future.  I am excited and I am scared and I am so so tired of everyone being sick and tired.  Lets hope that in the next 22 days we can all get healthy and rested  so that this new world we are embarking on will be manageable and joyful.

 

So no matter how tired or sick or sick and tired we have been this month – for the next 30 days, I am focusing on JOY.  I am going to embrace every moment of JOY because I have an amazing life.  I do not know what Baby #2 will bring, I do not know what the next year will look like, but right now…despite the colds and the sleepless nights and the exhaustion and the lower back pain and the stress…I have an amazing and joyful life and I do not want to forget that.  My people, my little family, they are my everything and this new little person…no matter what he or she brings to the mix…they will only add to the joy.  Sick and tired is hard…but a life without joy…that is one not worth living.

 

Hep yu…

LadyBug is extremely independent.  I love that about her (most of the time).  She really wants to do everything herself and she is very clear in her discontent when you try to assist her with something that she does not want your help with.  I think that is toddlerhood, right? A few weeks ago…she pulled her red wagon (mostly by herself) for about 3/4 of a mile.  If I even motioned like I was going to put my hand on the handle, she threw quite the fit!

Despite her passion and independence, sometimes she does break down and ask for some help.  The best part of the request though is that she says…”Hep Yu”, which of course means that she needs help.

The reason that she says “Hep Yu” is because I will say, “Honey, can I help you?” when she has struggled with something for a long time and she responds with “Hep Yu”, of course looking for my assistance.  She does this with “Carry You” too and I know that it will not last long, but it is a snippet of something in her developmental world that I think is totally adorable and endearing.

Of course, I will always Hep Yu, LadyBug – it is in my DNA!

I am not quiet by nature…

I would not define myself as quiet by nature.  I would not call myself combative or disruptive, but I have always tended to be expressive in my thoughts and beliefs and I will say what I think (usually in the nicest possible way) if the opportunity arises.

Over the last several years however, I have been “re-trained” mostly as a result of my work environment that it is not okay to express an opinion, especially an opposing viewpoint.  As a teenager and a young adult, I was encouraged to think about reasonable ways to express myself.  I was encouraged not to be afraid to speak up when I want to say something.  I learned to respectfully speak my mind all the while listening to alternative viewpoints.  I was taught that I needed to be present and participatory and that it is important to be thoughtfully vocal.  Perhaps I was taught not to be afraid to share my thoughts… to “lean in” a little for lack of a better term.  However, as a result of leadership changes, fear of retribution, one (or two) too many slaps on the wrist…I have started shutting up, especially at work.

I. Have. Started. Shutting. Up., and I am disappointed in myself that I have allowed that to happen. Sadly, I have noticed that once I started shutting up (and shutting down) at work…I started shutting up (and shutting down) in other aspects of my life as well.  I could define it as “caring less” about things that do not matter and instead focusing my energies more on other priorities, but I don’t think that is it.  I think that I am behaving instead more like a dog that has been kicked or left outside one too many times.  I am angry on the inside and yet, I feel that expressing myself does nothing but make life difficult and so I am resigned…quiet and resigned.

In thinking about it, I am very sad that my workplace, a place that I have given NINE years of my life, has done that to me.  I am hopeful that someday when I am no longer in this environment, my spunk and respectful outspokenness and willingness to share my thoughts and opinions will start to come back.  Like the regeneration of a worm that has been accidentally cut in half by a trowel digging in the spring dirt.

I do not know that reigniting that willingness to speak up or to suppress the fear that has always come with expressing an alternative opinion will be easy to find inside again.  I only hope that by the time my children are old enough to understand their mom as a person and not just as a mom, that they will be proud that I am able to meaningfully and responsibly stand up in word and action for what I believe in.

If I could…right now…before the end of the workday – I would go out into the hallway of this unhealthy place and scream OUTLOUD…

“YOU A$$#!&!&** TOOK AWAY MY VOICE – YEAR AFTER YEAR YOU CHIPPED IT AWAY, AND NO IT IS GONE AND THAT IS WRONG!!” 

No one has the right to take away anyone’s voice.  No one has the right to say out loud or implicitly that your opinions do not matter.  People in power can choose not to listen to opinions or recommendations, but they cannot make you feel small just for having those opinions.

As painful a loss has this has been for me, it has certainly taught me a great life (and parenting lesson).  People – all people – all children – should be allowed and encouraged to express their opinion.  They should be given a safe space and time to do that and no matter what the outcome…people should be encouraged to feel empowered to share their thoughts.  Women should be granted that level of respect, and they often they are not.  Children should be granted that level of respect, even when it is not possible to make their opinions reality.  Being made to feel useless, worthless, stupid and wrong is no way to treat anyone.  It happens so much more than it should.

If possible, I will start working on speaking up and speaking out again.  And, I will work on speaking up and speaking out for those who are having their own voices stripped away.  I know only too well how it feels…

This post has been part of Finish the Sentence Friday #FTSF.  This weeks sentence was…“What I really want to scream outloud” Please check out the wonderful hostesses!

Stephanie Sprenger – Mommy For Real
Janine at Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kristi at Finding Ninee
Kate at Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

BlogHopButton Finish the Sentence Friday

The winter that killed mothers and fathers everywhere

snow day 3I remember when I was a little girl and once in a blue moon my mother would get that exciting phone call (at about 5:00 in the morning), letting her know that her school was closed and that we did not have to go to school that day.  I remember when I would see snow falling before bed and hope for that early-morning phone call that would allow me to go back to first, go back to bed and second, PLAY. ALL. DAY!

Maybe it was more manageable for my mother because for most of our lives she taught in the same school system where we went to school.  Maybe it was also easier because I grew up in a snowy climate and so snow was more the rule and not the exception during my childhood and our town handled it relatively well, all things considered.  Maybe we were really good at playing by ourselves and did not need my mother to entertain us on a snow day…OR…maybe I am totally remembering it wrong, but I know that based on stories of many all around the country this winter…this is the winter that is killing mothers and fathers everywhere.

I am fortunate enough that right now, LadyBug S has a nanny that we share with another family.  From time to time, we have had closings and delays this winter, but we have just gone to pick up the nanny and we are able to get to work or do our thing regardless of the snow/school-closure conditions.  Once LadyBug is in school full time though, this will clearly NOT be an option.  How do moms and dad’s do it?

There are only so many batches of brownies and cookies that you can make.  There are only so many boards on Pinterest that you can borrow craft ideas from.  There are only so many movies that you can watch or forts you can build or toys you can play with over and over…and over.

I certainly can appreciate a very different type of world that snow days bring to parents than the world of sleeping late and extra cups of coffee and great movies that snow days bring to the single and childless people among us.  I have started to realize that the kids to go stir crazy without fresh air in their lungs, regardless of their age.  I have definitely started to empathize with the difference between a day off from work … and a day off. from life.

Though this winter has been brutal for us in our neck of the woods, it pales in comparison to the impact that it has had on others all over the country.  Parents and non-parents alike and I would just like to say that I appreciate how hard it has been.  I have a new found respect for the moms and the dads that have made it through the “days” off – who have bent (and broken their TV-watching policies who have played their 2007th game of Candyland or Sorry, who have made their 1 billionth couch pillow fort.  As you start to see the light of day when spring finally decides to spring…please consider writing down all of your tricks and your crafts and your games and your secrets to not hurting yourself or the children throughout this dreadfully difficult winter.

All of us who know that someday a winter like this is in store for us, need all the ammunition and exciting project recommendations that you can muster…

snow day

Oh yeah…and congratulations.  I hope that we are all finally on the tail end of this noteworthy winter.

Related content: (check out her post – she has some great (and appropriate visuals!!)

Snow Day Fatigue - Butterfly Mind

Dear Dad –

Dear Dad -

There is a lot going on around here in my world…and I really wish that you were here to be a part of it.  I don’t know whether or not I would have confided all my fears and dreams in you were you still alive, but certainly, you would know about what was going on and you would have been an integral part of my new and growing family and the life of my glorious daughter, whom you would love to pieces.

I miss you.  I miss you terribly.  Even more than how much I miss you, I hate how much you have missed.  No, you would have not have loved the rocky road that I took the 10 years after your death, but you would love where I am now.  I hate that you do not know my amazing husband.  I hate that you have not gotten to shake his hand and thank him for being such a great, kind, upstanding, incredible human who has made your “girl” so happy.  I hate that you have not seen the cute little house that I live in.  I hate that I do not have you to help me clean out the basement or help me figure out how to fix a few house things that would be so easy for you.

It is important for me to tell you that I have found the happiest little life that I could have ever imagined and I have built the most amazing support network and group of friends.  It hasn’t been without it’s challenges, I know that you know that, but I finally made it through and I wish that you were here to see it.

More than anything, I wish that LadyBug knew you.  She would love you and I would have loved more than anything to see you with her.  I wish that I could bring you back for just 1 hour so that you could meet her.  I wish that I could find out from you if she reminds you of me or of your other favorite daughter.  I would love to know what you think of her and her silly ways.  I would love to watch her run around with you and jump on you and realize that she had the greatest grandfather in the world.  I am sorry that you will never know her that way.

I wish that you were going to be here to meet your second grand child.  We don’t know yet if it is going to be a boy or a girl.  We do not know who he/she will look like or anything about what they will be like, but I do hope that he or she is a little like you, just like LadyBug is.

I wish that you were here to give me moral support as I continue to work to get out of this horrible job that is finally taking its toll on me emotionally and physically.  I know that you would have good advice for me and you would be able to make me laugh about how silly it all is.  Sometimes, though it is hard to see that on a day to day basis.  I had a job interview today…it went really well.  I think that it is finally my time to have a new opportunity, so if you have any pull over the alignment of any of the stars…please use that pull now.  I really need it.

Remember that even though you left us almost 14 years ago, we think about you every day.  I really wish that we hadn’t had to do it without you all this time, but even with the ups and downs, we have managed.  I love you more than I am sure I ever told you.  You taught me a lot about being a parent and being a partner and being a friend, and even though your grandchildren will never truly realize how much they missed by not knowing you…I always will.

Look out for me and my little family a bit over these next few weeks.  I could use a little extra help and a few small miracles.  Thanks for bringing me all the small miracles that you already have.  I know that one way or another you have had a hand in it.

Thanks, Dad.  Over and Out.

~Favorite Oldest Daughter

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